MIA

Yeah, we've been missing in action this week. This week has been crazzzzyyyy on the merry-go-round. Our daddy's been gone a lot, Em had a nuerologist appt., I go get my mammies grammied tomorrow (OUCH), Max sees his ENT on Monday, I was reading Val's book. HOWEVER, we hit a new milestone this week. (I really wish I wasn't such a flake and could drive AND get this on video. SMILE) Max has been putting together 5 word sentences. He also had a very loooonnnnnng discussion with me yesterday afternoon (in the car on the way home) about Britney (school friend) falling down outside, but she didn't cry. He has also started arguing with me in the car. Nice huh? But this week, he really has pumped it up a bit. (Which is a good thing cause you know I hate plateau's and start worrying about what I have or haven't done that has caused it.)

Oh, and as for hearing in the car, well I've been a bit amazed at that too this week. In the Spiderman 2 movie the phone rings and the guy says "hello" (don't ask me who, cause I never see it since I'm battling the roadways) but today the phone rang and Max said "hello" before the guy did. AND THEN one of the Ninja Turtles (again movie) burps and Max said "excuse me" (the turtle however does not say this, obviously my son is concerned regarding their lack of manners). Hello? This kinda rocks when you think of all the excess noise in the car; the sound of the road under our tires at 75 mph, possible semi's next to us, occasional window going down and back up so I can get fresh air (this is because I left my window down and it kinda sprinkled rain in the car and now it stinks). I'm just completely blown away by my "deaf" kid. Can you HEAR me?

101 + 1 MORE

Yep, that's how many ways I can find to torture myself, make myself feel like crap AND add guilt cause honestly I can't think of any reasons I should feel guilt (NOT).

I told myself that I was not going to blog about this. BUT, after talking (ok whining) to a few friends (acquaintences) I have decided that I actually LIKE inflicting pain upon myself. In fact, I enjoy inflicting pain only on myself. So, in effort to continue the trend of making myself miserable, I am going to announce how mortified I am to be announcing a huge blunder I have made. I am however, looking at it like a public awareness announcement. Not only how NOT to be a "bad mommy", but how NOT to jump to conclusions that someone is specifically a "bad mommy."

O.k., here goes. All seemed well until this weekend when I noticed a little boy. There wasn't anything specific about this little boy, other than he was drinking out of a pop bottle. Gee, you all see that a million times a day, so why has that caused such an uproar in my life?

Well, you see, Max still drinks from this:



Well, it's like that, but not quite like that. AND not only that (noooooo sireeee cause that ain't enough) but he still has this as well:




See, when I saw that little boy drink from the pop bottle I realized that Max would never do that. THEN I realized that Max doesn't drink out of a cup. THENNNN I realized that Max is 3 mos. from turning 4! Holy Crap!!!! How did this happen? My daughter drank out of a cup at 6 mos. I know that Max has drank out of cup, I just can't remember if he's done so since we found out he was deaf. I THINK that that is one of the problems. Max was diagnosed at 17 mos., and I have spent all that time since then just trying to get him implanted, trying to get him to speak, driving millions of miles for school and appointments, dealing with Em's epilepsy, the bankruptcy and I JUST LOST TRACK OF TIME!!! Now he is my baby, and absolutely the last child I'll be having, but still drinking out of a sippy cup AND a paci when he's almost 4! Oye! So I'm feeling guilt. I'm feeling like crap. Honestly, I really, truly, just did not realize it. I've been blind, but now I can see, and I really need to remedy this. You can bet I'll be pushing the cup and letting the dog get the paci (she loves them too).

So I guess if you've made it through all of my rambling, if you see a child with a pacifier and/or a sippy cup, please don't berate the parent or the child. Please don't think in your mind, "Ugh, look at that child. He/She is WAY too old for that. That mother should be ashamed of herself." You DON'T know what they've been through, where they've been. It might be that the mother is so overwhelmed with "other" things that she doesn't even realize that the one calling her mommy is a "child" and no longer "her baby". She is so overwhelmed with getting other needs met that time and ages has skipped her mind and when it punches her in the gut, she probably is mortified, just as I am.

Max, my sweetie, I am so sorry that I have let you down this way. I promise I will try to remember that you are going to grow up and not be my sweet little baby forever and sometimes I'm going to have to push you out of the nest so you can fly, even though I really don't want to. Can you HEAR me?

No, not that......

I think when most of us hearing parents find out that are children have a hearing loss, besides appearing deaf ourselves, "What?", "What did you say?", we also suddenly become stupid, "What's that?, "What does that mean?", "What IS deaf?" I know that I did. I remember trying to breathe in/out and asking specifically, "What does that mean?" "How deaf is deaf?" Of course when they start explaining the audiogram and the results I was basically a bobble-head. I nodded my head in all the appropriate pauses and left still not knowing a thing other than my baby couldn't hear. As time went on, I learned a little bit more. I learned that the first ABR was read wrong (thanks to the audiologist at Riley's for that little snafu) and that Max did not have Moderate to Severe hearing loss but in fact had Severe Hearing Loss. I eventually learned how to read the audiogram and about the speech banana and how my son was never going to get all the sounds on that speech banana with hearing aids. So we moved on to the cochlear implant. But there is ONE thing I DID KNOW and the very thought scared me.

I know that when I found out, a lot of things went through my mind. I could almost picture myself in my brain walking down a long hallway (appropriately labeled "Deaf Hall") with doors lined up on both sides. The doors had little titles on the outside which kind of gave you a clue as to what's inside but didn't. I would open a door go in look around and feel it out. One door would be "Sign". I'd go in, explore in my mind signing and ASL, how our family could learn this, we could have our own secret language, how am I going to do this and drive, eat, wash dishes, ok. we can work this out. The next little door would be "Ridicule". I have to tell you that was a hard, cold room and I didn't like it. I tried like heck not to stay in there to long. But of course, being human and I guess a little sadistic in nature, I'd go in there again and again, like a rubbernecker at a car wreck. Don't want to see but dang, just can't help it and then when I'm done feeling raw, exposed and like crap. There were some other dark and scary doors in there,in my mind. But there was one door that scared me the most and still does. I can't even bring myself to actually put a "sign" on this door, I skirt as far away as possible from this door, but this door is different, it pops up in front of me, out of nowhere and looms begging me to come in and see what I can see. I know better than this, but yet it is there and it is real. I put that door out of my mind but this past week it jumped up in front of me again. I found this blog on "Deaf Village", http://deafness.about.com/b/2008/09/28/more-on-sexual-abuse-at-deaf-schools.htm Obviously, I saw it, read it, and it scared me so far down to my bones that I had to mull it over in my mind before I could blog about it. I think that THIS is one of the things that scares a hearing parent of a deaf child more than anything. I know it does me.

In my BC life (before children) I was a paralegal. I know that even hearing children are susceptible to these monsters that prey on children. I know how devastating it is for the child, the family. One of the reasons that I stopped being a paralegal when I was 8 mos. pregnant with my daughter is there was NO WAY I could work with someone who represented a child moslester/pedaphile. The stakes were too high in that little mental challenge. I didn't do well with it before I was pregnant and well, knowing that I was having a girl, that was it. Besides that I was sick of seeing the same people over and over, divorces gone wild and all the other stuff people do to one another. But a deaf child, this goes way beyond what I can comprehend.

When I found out Max was deaf, I did not know what it meant, what was going to happen, if he would have to go to the residential deaf school in our state, if he could go to our school and all these fears jumped out. The thought of sending my child to a residential school 2 1/2 hours a way at 5 years old literally made me want to break down right then and there. I was already attached to him, how could I possibly send him away to live for the week and only see him on weekends and holidays?????!!!!! I still can't bear that thought, that he might choose to go to the Deaf School at 16 or so. I don't want it and pray constantly that he stays with me. I can't even bear the thought of either of my children leaving for college and cried during the movie "College Road Trip". But the above blog is frigtening and not the first I had heard of this. Apparently it happens quite frequently and there is actually a book about it. I read it, because again I'm sick that way and obviously like to torture myself. I was miserable for months after reading it because I know that it is a very real threat to deaf kids. I also know that the threat just isn't at a residential deaf school, it's everywhere, just more prevalent at residential schools for the deaf.

This is just ONE of the horribly scary thoughts that goes through our minds when we find out our child is deaf. There are a WHOLE LOT OF OTHER scary doors we have to work through, BUT this is just one of the reasons we chose to have Max get an implant.
Can you HEAR me?

Now this.......just confuses me......

and leaves me with no words.

RANT......

I'm sorry, I just have to rant for a moment. You can expect these periodically, just ask my husband. Today it is about the drivers on the road.

Because Max goes to a special school with other special kids, we have a drive to get there. Normally, our drive is an hour and 10 minutes. Because of the construction though, it has become and hour and 20-25 minutes. This gives me a lot of time to offer my expertise on some the following drivers and RANT about them.

Now, you will notice in the picture above the car that is driving way off to the right.....this is actually a positive picture because not two minutes earlier that car was way off to the right on the shoulder as if to pass the truck in front of it. What you can't see is that the right shoulder is laden with potholes that would literally send you to China or pieces of tires that could shoot you to the moon! I'm not kidding. Luckily the person in front of me decided that they were not going to attempt losing time going to China or the moon (because they were in such hurry to get somewhere else) and decided to ride-it-out behind the truck. But these people caused me to reflect on all the nonsense I see everyday and the things that burn me up on the road.

BUTT KISSERS
These people believe that it is absolutely necessary to kiss the tailpipe of my car. (which is what made me take the picture of the above aforementioned vehicle as this driver did). They really want to push me ahead because they are running late and will ride so closely to the back of my car that I can see the bugs in their grill! To these people I say, "WOULD YOU PLEASE BACK OFF! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO ANY FASTER, I CAN ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS WHO'S IN FRONT OF ME, I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, DO YOU FOLLOW JESUS THAT CLOSELY?" Seriously, back it off. I do not want you smacking into me when I have to stop for "Virtual Racer" or "Yakkers". I have precious cargo in the backseat, I don't want to be on the roads either so take deep breaths, relax, go around, just GET OFF MY A$$!

VIRTUAL/REALITY RACER
These people believe that they are in a race. They are driving 90+ miles an hour and will cross three or four lanes of traffic with no signal and driving in an out of vehicles. I find it extremely amazing and very scarey. To these people I say, "You are not playing Nintendo, X Box, Wii, Nintendo DS, or any other virtual game. You are in REAL LIFE, driving a REAL VEHICLE, which probably weighs anywhere from 500 to 1,000 lbs (maybe more as I'm no expert on car poundage). If you have an accident a little cloud is not going to put you and what you hit back on the road for two more tries. There are real people, with real lives and real families on these road with you. Please, for the love of God, slow down and use your blinkers. I don't want to be in a pile-up because you thought you were Dale Ernhardt on the expressway. You are NOT that person, you are an idiot risking everyone else's life because you can easily make a huge mistake that WILL impact everyone that is on the road with you.

YAKKERS
Honestly, these people bug me the most. Probably because I encounter them not only on the interstate but everywhere I go. Can you figure out who they are? If you guessed the people who are giving their autobiography on the their cell phone you are correct. These aren't people who have got a call with some important info and then hang up. These are people that decide to call everyone and anyone while they are driving. You can see that some of them must be giving their autobiography because they are in for the long haul with that phone. It is at their ear, they are laid back. They are not getting off anytime soon. (I actually saw a yakker in for the long haul and picking his nose while driving, how did he do that?) Why do these people bug me so much? Because they slow down, they speed up, they veer to the right, they veer to the left, they make me mad with their inconsistencies in speed variations and in turn I make them mad because they will be traveling along at one speed, something truly amazing interesting or striking happens in their conversation and they slow down so their brain can process what they are hearing (because a brain can't keep up driving speed and the juicy morsal of gossip they must be getting), then they discover they are 10 mph down from where they were driving, notice that I'm close to their butt and look like a butt kisser, get irritated at me - the butt kisser, and speed up again. They then hear other little snippets that are funny, again brain can't compensate so it's off to the left or right. Oh and don't forget that you are so engrossed in your conversation that you suddenly realize that you have come to your turn so you dang near stop right there wihtout any warning or a TURN SIGNAL!!!!!!!! (I realize that you can't possibly steer, use your turn signal and TALK ON THE PHONE!) YOU PEOPLE FREAKING IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I am scared to pass you with all your veering, I don't know what speed to drive and you really pi$$ me off when you make me late. If you have to talk on the phone, if that is when you really need to have that long conversation with whomever than GET A BLUETOOTH! There are states that have passed a law that you have to have a Bluetooth if you are going to drive, that you cannot be holding a cell phone. I wish they'd pass that law here. I'd call all y'all in.

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DRIVING UNDER
These people, I do not know exactly what their problem is. You're all over the place like "the yakker" you just don't have a cell phone in your hand. You freak me out and I pray that you turn off soon. (And I seriously consider calling 911).

YIELDERS
Who is a yielder? These are people who specifically see me coming at the speed limit or 5 mph above. (I heard that cops are not likely to pull you over if you are only 5 mph above; however, this has not been proven so do so at your own risk.) They are on a sidestreet or driveway and, you guessed it, PULL-OUT! You have made me slow down, way down. It's not an area where the law says I have to slow down, it's just your own petty selfishness thinking that where you are going is way more important than where I'm trying to go (despite the fact that I possibly have been in the car for awhile) AND I was on the road first. Oh and I REALLY LOVE IT when you drive less than a mile and turn in somewhere else.

NOSERS

Out of the whole bunch above, you guys really make me feel like crap AND THEN make me flip out. I'm driving along, on the road I WAS ON FIRST, and I'm coming to a stoplight or whatever and you stick the nose of your vehicle out, expecting moi to let you in. Now that's fine and dandy and I'm always willing to show a random act of kindness and let people in front of me etc. It's just that sometimes I too am in a hurry and I didn't realize that you wanted out and then when you nose out, and I'm smack in front of you and you give me that look and get mad at me for not noticing that you were wanting out and not letting you out well, I gotta say, you put me through a little emotional test. You are flinging your arms and obviously having a little rant of your own in your vehicle directed towards me, I feel bad, but seriously, I'm in a hurry, was not thinking, and did not see you specifically. But you know what? After 5 minutes of feeling bad, your attitude starts to become contagious and I am now flippin mad at you because I don't need YOU making me feel bad because I didn't let YOU out, when where I'm going is just as important and I'm in hurry, and I was on the road first and dammit I don't have to LET YOU OUT! To you I say, if you DON'T EXPECT IT YOU WON'T BE FREAKIN DISAPPOINTED!!!!! You got yourself in there, get out when you can and don't rely on someone else to let you out. And if someone lets you out, be freakin happy.

So to all you freaks on the road. Bite me. I'm sick of you causing all the problems and blaming it on me. Stop tailgating, quit driving like you're in Super Mario Kart, get off the phone and drive.
Can you HEAR me?