RANT......

I'm sorry, I just have to rant for a moment. You can expect these periodically, just ask my husband. Today it is about the drivers on the road.

Because Max goes to a special school with other special kids, we have a drive to get there. Normally, our drive is an hour and 10 minutes. Because of the construction though, it has become and hour and 20-25 minutes. This gives me a lot of time to offer my expertise on some the following drivers and RANT about them.

Now, you will notice in the picture above the car that is driving way off to the right.....this is actually a positive picture because not two minutes earlier that car was way off to the right on the shoulder as if to pass the truck in front of it. What you can't see is that the right shoulder is laden with potholes that would literally send you to China or pieces of tires that could shoot you to the moon! I'm not kidding. Luckily the person in front of me decided that they were not going to attempt losing time going to China or the moon (because they were in such hurry to get somewhere else) and decided to ride-it-out behind the truck. But these people caused me to reflect on all the nonsense I see everyday and the things that burn me up on the road.

BUTT KISSERS
These people believe that it is absolutely necessary to kiss the tailpipe of my car. (which is what made me take the picture of the above aforementioned vehicle as this driver did). They really want to push me ahead because they are running late and will ride so closely to the back of my car that I can see the bugs in their grill! To these people I say, "WOULD YOU PLEASE BACK OFF! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO ANY FASTER, I CAN ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS WHO'S IN FRONT OF ME, I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, DO YOU FOLLOW JESUS THAT CLOSELY?" Seriously, back it off. I do not want you smacking into me when I have to stop for "Virtual Racer" or "Yakkers". I have precious cargo in the backseat, I don't want to be on the roads either so take deep breaths, relax, go around, just GET OFF MY A$$!

VIRTUAL/REALITY RACER
These people believe that they are in a race. They are driving 90+ miles an hour and will cross three or four lanes of traffic with no signal and driving in an out of vehicles. I find it extremely amazing and very scarey. To these people I say, "You are not playing Nintendo, X Box, Wii, Nintendo DS, or any other virtual game. You are in REAL LIFE, driving a REAL VEHICLE, which probably weighs anywhere from 500 to 1,000 lbs (maybe more as I'm no expert on car poundage). If you have an accident a little cloud is not going to put you and what you hit back on the road for two more tries. There are real people, with real lives and real families on these road with you. Please, for the love of God, slow down and use your blinkers. I don't want to be in a pile-up because you thought you were Dale Ernhardt on the expressway. You are NOT that person, you are an idiot risking everyone else's life because you can easily make a huge mistake that WILL impact everyone that is on the road with you.

YAKKERS
Honestly, these people bug me the most. Probably because I encounter them not only on the interstate but everywhere I go. Can you figure out who they are? If you guessed the people who are giving their autobiography on the their cell phone you are correct. These aren't people who have got a call with some important info and then hang up. These are people that decide to call everyone and anyone while they are driving. You can see that some of them must be giving their autobiography because they are in for the long haul with that phone. It is at their ear, they are laid back. They are not getting off anytime soon. (I actually saw a yakker in for the long haul and picking his nose while driving, how did he do that?) Why do these people bug me so much? Because they slow down, they speed up, they veer to the right, they veer to the left, they make me mad with their inconsistencies in speed variations and in turn I make them mad because they will be traveling along at one speed, something truly amazing interesting or striking happens in their conversation and they slow down so their brain can process what they are hearing (because a brain can't keep up driving speed and the juicy morsal of gossip they must be getting), then they discover they are 10 mph down from where they were driving, notice that I'm close to their butt and look like a butt kisser, get irritated at me - the butt kisser, and speed up again. They then hear other little snippets that are funny, again brain can't compensate so it's off to the left or right. Oh and don't forget that you are so engrossed in your conversation that you suddenly realize that you have come to your turn so you dang near stop right there wihtout any warning or a TURN SIGNAL!!!!!!!! (I realize that you can't possibly steer, use your turn signal and TALK ON THE PHONE!) YOU PEOPLE FREAKING IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I am scared to pass you with all your veering, I don't know what speed to drive and you really pi$$ me off when you make me late. If you have to talk on the phone, if that is when you really need to have that long conversation with whomever than GET A BLUETOOTH! There are states that have passed a law that you have to have a Bluetooth if you are going to drive, that you cannot be holding a cell phone. I wish they'd pass that law here. I'd call all y'all in.

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DRIVING UNDER
These people, I do not know exactly what their problem is. You're all over the place like "the yakker" you just don't have a cell phone in your hand. You freak me out and I pray that you turn off soon. (And I seriously consider calling 911).

YIELDERS
Who is a yielder? These are people who specifically see me coming at the speed limit or 5 mph above. (I heard that cops are not likely to pull you over if you are only 5 mph above; however, this has not been proven so do so at your own risk.) They are on a sidestreet or driveway and, you guessed it, PULL-OUT! You have made me slow down, way down. It's not an area where the law says I have to slow down, it's just your own petty selfishness thinking that where you are going is way more important than where I'm trying to go (despite the fact that I possibly have been in the car for awhile) AND I was on the road first. Oh and I REALLY LOVE IT when you drive less than a mile and turn in somewhere else.

NOSERS

Out of the whole bunch above, you guys really make me feel like crap AND THEN make me flip out. I'm driving along, on the road I WAS ON FIRST, and I'm coming to a stoplight or whatever and you stick the nose of your vehicle out, expecting moi to let you in. Now that's fine and dandy and I'm always willing to show a random act of kindness and let people in front of me etc. It's just that sometimes I too am in a hurry and I didn't realize that you wanted out and then when you nose out, and I'm smack in front of you and you give me that look and get mad at me for not noticing that you were wanting out and not letting you out well, I gotta say, you put me through a little emotional test. You are flinging your arms and obviously having a little rant of your own in your vehicle directed towards me, I feel bad, but seriously, I'm in a hurry, was not thinking, and did not see you specifically. But you know what? After 5 minutes of feeling bad, your attitude starts to become contagious and I am now flippin mad at you because I don't need YOU making me feel bad because I didn't let YOU out, when where I'm going is just as important and I'm in hurry, and I was on the road first and dammit I don't have to LET YOU OUT! To you I say, if you DON'T EXPECT IT YOU WON'T BE FREAKIN DISAPPOINTED!!!!! You got yourself in there, get out when you can and don't rely on someone else to let you out. And if someone lets you out, be freakin happy.

So to all you freaks on the road. Bite me. I'm sick of you causing all the problems and blaming it on me. Stop tailgating, quit driving like you're in Super Mario Kart, get off the phone and drive.
Can you HEAR me?