I'm sorry, I just have to rant for a moment. You can expect these periodically, just ask my husband. Today it is about the drivers on the road.
Because Max goes to a special school with other special kids, we have a drive to get there. Normally, our drive is an hour and 10 minutes. Because of the construction though, it has become and hour and 20-25 minutes. This gives me a lot of time to offer my expertise on some the following drivers and RANT about them.
Now, you will notice in the picture above the car that is driving way off to the right.....this is actually a positive picture because not two minutes earlier that car was way off to the right on the shoulder as if to pass the truck in front of it. What you can't see is that the right shoulder is laden with potholes that would literally send you to China or pieces of tires that could shoot you to the moon! I'm not kidding. Luckily the person in front of me decided that they were not going to attempt losing time going to China or the moon (because they were in such hurry to get somewhere else) and decided to ride-it-out behind the truck. But these people caused me to reflect on all the nonsense I see everyday and the things that burn me up on the road.
BUTT KISSERS These people believe that it is absolutely necessary to kiss the tailpipe of my car. (which is what made me take the picture of the above aforementioned vehicle as this driver did). They really want to push me ahead because they are running late and will ride so closely to the back of my car that I can see the bugs in their grill! To these people I say, "WOULD YOU PLEASE BACK OFF! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO ANY FASTER, I CAN ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS WHO'S IN FRONT OF ME, I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, DO YOU FOLLOW JESUS THAT CLOSELY?" Seriously, back it off. I do not want you smacking into me when I have to stop for "Virtual Racer" or "Yakkers". I have precious cargo in the backseat, I don't want to be on the roads either so take deep breaths, relax, go around, just GET OFF MY A$$!
VIRTUAL/REALITY RACER These people believe that they are in a race. They are driving 90+ miles an hour and will cross three or four lanes of traffic with no signal and driving in an out of vehicles. I find it extremely amazing and very scarey. To these people I say, "You are not playing Nintendo, X Box, Wii, Nintendo DS, or any other virtual game. You are in REAL LIFE, driving a REAL VEHICLE, which probably weighs anywhere from 500 to 1,000 lbs (maybe more as I'm no expert on car poundage). If you have an accident a little cloud is not going to put you and what you hit back on the road for two more tries. There are real people, with real lives and real families on these road with you. Please, for the love of God, slow down and use your blinkers. I don't want to be in a pile-up because you thought you were Dale Ernhardt on the expressway. You are NOT that person, you are an idiot risking everyone else's life because you can easily make a huge mistake that WILL impact everyone that is on the road with you.
YAKKERS Honestly, these people bug me the most. Probably because I encounter them not only on the interstate but everywhere I go. Can you figure out who they are? If you guessed the people who are giving their autobiography on the their cell phone you are correct. These aren't people who have got a call with some important info and then hang up. These are people that decide to call everyone and anyone while they are driving. You can see that some of them must be giving their autobiography because they are in for the long haul with that phone. It is at their ear, they are laid back. They are not getting off anytime soon. (I actually saw a yakker in for the long haul and picking his nose while driving, how did he do that?) Why do these people bug me so much? Because they slow down, they speed up, they veer to the right, they veer to the left, they make me mad with their inconsistencies in speed variations and in turn I make them mad because they will be traveling along at one speed, something truly amazing interesting or striking happens in their conversation and they slow down so their brain can process what they are hearing (because a brain can't keep up driving speed and the juicy morsal of gossip they must be getting), then they discover they are 10 mph down from where they were driving, notice that I'm close to their butt and look like a butt kisser, get irritated at me - the butt kisser, and speed up again. They then hear other little snippets that are funny, again brain can't compensate so it's off to the left or right. Oh and don't forget that you are so engrossed in your conversation that you suddenly realize that you have come to your turn so you dang near stop right there wihtout any warning or a TURN SIGNAL!!!!!!!! (I realize that you can't possibly steer, use your turn signal and TALK ON THE PHONE!) YOU PEOPLE FREAKING IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I am scared to pass you with all your veering, I don't know what speed to drive and you really pi$$ me off when you make me late. If you have to talk on the phone, if that is when you really need to have that long conversation with whomever than GET A BLUETOOTH! There are states that have passed a law that you have to have a Bluetooth if you are going to drive, that you cannot be holding a cell phone. I wish they'd pass that law here. I'd call all y'all in.
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DRIVING UNDER These people, I do not know exactly what their problem is. You're all over the place like "the yakker" you just don't have a cell phone in your hand. You freak me out and I pray that you turn off soon. (And I seriously consider calling 911).
YIELDERS Who is a yielder? These are people who specifically see me coming at the speed limit or 5 mph above. (I heard that cops are not likely to pull you over if you are only 5 mph above; however, this has not been proven so do so at your own risk.) They are on a sidestreet or driveway and, you guessed it, PULL-OUT! You have made me slow down, way down. It's not an area where the law says I have to slow down, it's just your own petty selfishness thinking that where you are going is way more important than where I'm trying to go (despite the fact that I possibly have been in the car for awhile) AND I was on the road first. Oh and I REALLY LOVE IT when you drive less than a mile and turn in somewhere else.
Out of the whole bunch above, you guys really make me feel like crap AND THEN make me flip out. I'm driving along, on the road I WAS ON FIRST, and I'm coming to a stoplight or whatever and you stick the nose of your vehicle out, expecting moi to let you in. Now that's fine and dandy and I'm always willing to show a random act of kindness and let people in front of me etc. It's just that sometimes I too am in a hurry and I didn't realize that you wanted out and then when you nose out, and I'm smack in front of you and you give me that look and get mad at me for not noticing that you were wanting out and not letting you out well, I gotta say, you put me through a little emotional test. You are flinging your arms and obviously having a little rant of your own in your vehicle directed towards me, I feel bad, but seriously, I'm in a hurry, was not thinking, and did not see you specifically. But you know what? After 5 minutes of feeling bad, your attitude starts to become contagious and I am now flippin mad at you because I don't need YOU making me feel bad because I didn't let YOU out, when where I'm going is just as important and I'm in hurry, and I was on the road first and dammit I don't have to LET YOU OUT! To you I say, if you DON'T EXPECT IT YOU WON'T BE FREAKIN DISAPPOINTED!!!!! You got yourself in there, get out when you can and don't rely on someone else to let you out. And if someone lets you out, be freakin happy.
So to all you freaks on the road. Bite me. I'm sick of you causing all the problems and blaming it on me. Stop tailgating, quit driving like you're in Super Mario Kart, get off the phone and drive. Can you HEAR me?
Emily is on the right in the brown dress, next to the winner pffffttt.
Today it's all about my Diva, my beautiful 7.5 year old daughter. The one who insisted in participating in our annual Orange County Pumpking Festival Little Miss Pageant. Again. Ugggggghhhhhhhh. I hate pageants. I did not participate in pageants when I was younger. I was asked, but never did it. I hate pageants and everything that they stand for. I hate that fact that girls are paraded in front of people who know nothing about them or their background (except for silly questions like what's your favorite food, sports, hobbies, strategy to pick your nose? seriously) and judge them on a 3 minute interview and how they look in a dress. It's worse then a cow auction at the local county fair in my opinion cause at least you don't actually have to spend any money on the cow, just wash it up and get the crap off of it. Pageants, they are a rip. AND I hate this particulor pageant. They lure these little girls in and squeeze the parents out of their paychecks. First you have to find a sponsor to pay the $25.00 entrance fee. Why? If you want the girls why do they have to pay? If no one paid then there wouldn't be any pageants (which is what I really want). It seems like if you want to have a pageant you should pay the girls to come on in so you can parade them around on stage. Next, the clothing. O.k. so they say no pageant dresses, wear a dress you would wear to church. Yeah, I fell for that last year. My daughter wore a dress that she could have worn to church. Everyone else wore a pageant dress. Maybe they wear those pageant dresses to their church, but at our church they're lucky if we're not in jeans, shorts or the way it is some Sundays --- PAJAMAS! Shouldn't they have gotten points off for not following the rules? Apparently not, since last year's winner had on a PAGEANT DRESS. Next they hit you for the "Interview Outfit". The outfit is to be a nice shirt and pants that you would wear to church. Again, what are people wearing to church and what churches are they wearing them to? I fell for that too last year. Every little girl was decked out like she was in a fashion magazine spread-out for Limited Too or Justice for Girls. The week before the pageant, we have rehearsal. This is where they teach the girls, when and where they are to walk out on stage. This is a joke because.... No. 1) It's a whole 7 days before the pageant. No. 2)These girls are 6yrs. through 8 yrs. No. 3)THEY WILL NOT REMEMBER. They also give the girls envelopes of tickets to sell, 10 tickets for $5.00, which the parents will end up shelling out the $50.00 for because they won't be able to get friends and family members to ACTUALLY commit to going to the pageant and will have them on hand just in case. They will also not be able to get to those family members during the week because they are so busy with their own lives that the pageant takes a backseat. The day of the pageant the girls are instructed to be at the auditorium for interviews at 1:00 pm. This will of course be on a first come first serve basis. You will go early and realize that everyone else is there as well and then they decide to do it by number of the contestant. Your child's number is 15 (out of 17 girls), so you hunker down for the long haul. I might add that they've got the auditorium so freaking cold in that place that you need to wear a coat, pants, legwarmers, hat and gloves despite it being 80 something outside and now the 2 hours that you've spent on hair "putting lovely ringlets in" has fallen and looks like nothing but a mess. They then will do the interview which lasts a total of 5 minutes. Are you freaking kidding me? You can honestly tell who is best equipped to be "the winner" after 5 minutes? By the time the interview is done it is 3:00 pm and you haul butt back home to try and find something to eat while changing into "pageant dress" without getting anything on the pageant dress. Last year I made the mistake of trying to curl the hair into "lovely ringlets" again. This year, I pulled out the flat-iron. God gave you straight hair that won't hold a curl (to save your pageant life) you're going with what he gave you which is straight hair. Besides, everyone else will have curls so you'll be different, stand out with your beautiful straight hair. You have enough time to slam down a sandwich and you have to go back, FOR PICTURES WHICH YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR!!!! They want you there at 4:00 pm for pictures. Why didn't they do that while we were waiting for the interview all afternoon. Seems like it would make sense to me. Get picture right before you walk into the interview, not after, just in case you go in shock from one of the questions they throw at you. So we're there at 4 pm. the first year, we had to wait in a line for 45 minutes for pictures didn't get out of that line until 4:55 pm and had to be there at 5:15 pm so we just stayed. This year, got there at 4:30 pm, done with picture by 4:45 pm but STILL had to just stay there. Why is this? Why can't we get it right. So o.k., we've been there pretty much all day, had nothing to eat and we wait. At 5:30 pm they finally come to get her until the pageant starts at 6:00 pm. By then I am hungry, sick of being there and frozen. I go wait in line to get into the auditorium (cause they have since locked it up) for THE PAGEANT. Half the town shows up and is waiting in line for the pageant. Hubby and family have NOT shown up for the pageant. They are ready to unlock the doors and let the stampede in and wouldn't you know it, the parent's of the girls in the pageant have to fight with non-pageants to get a seat. See, now that really bites me. You would think that having a child in the pageant you would get front row seating or in the very least 2nd or 3rd row seating, but noooooo, you have to fight the throng and then sit in the cold auditorium not being able to go to the bathroom until someone in your family finally shows up to save your seats from being stolen from under you. The pageant starts and the parade begins. The little girls come out, most forget when they are supposed to move, where they are to stand, when they are to leave. You go through the bigger girls, the big girls and the biggest girls. They claim to have a 15 minute intermission while they count the votes, you look at your watch, it is 7:30 pm, it has been way longer than 15 minutes. You wonder if you will ever get out of there, you wonder what you will feed your family. They finally bring everyone back in to announce the winners. You've got your camera ready.....you know that this is it.........they announce Miss Photogenic..........that's o.k. you don't really care about that category anyway.....they announce 2nd runner up...........wow you're really going to pull this off and win.........they announce 1st runner up..........whooo hoooo goin for the gold.............they annnounce.....................................the name of someone else's child. Oh crap. The letdown. The heartbreak. The "I can't freakin believe this". The "What the heck?" You see your daughter continue to smile and clap. When it's all over everyone moves to go home.... you have to wait so they can take group pictures of the winners with the girls. WHAT? I don't want to sit here and wait for pictures when my daughter didn't win. Just take your freakin picture of your freaking winner and let us go home, let me soothe the pain she must be feeling, the hurt, the disappointment. I finally get my child. As we're walking out someone says to her, "You look gorgeous". We get outside. I ask her if she is disappointed, a little but wait til I see the cool stuff she got for participating. Hmmmm, she does not see upset at all. Again before bed, I remind her that she is still God's princess and that is all that matters and she is MINE. She tells me that she's going to be in it next year (friggin why? Why? WHY?), she's going to keep being in it until she wins. She thinks that next year she'll wear a green or black dress. I kiss her good-night. At least if I've taught her nothing else, she's not going to quit, she's in it to win it. Man I love her. Can you HEAR me?