Teaching Fun

I can't begin to tell you the fun I have sometimes when I try to teach Max. Today we are missing school because Em is sick. So lunch is over and Max wants "cookies?" specifically "two cookies." So I try to hand him two chocolate chip cookies. He takes the first chocolate chip cookie but when I try to hand him the second cookie, Nope. He wants "black cookie".
Me: "Oh, you want an Oreo cookie too"
Me: "Oreo"
Max: "No, black"
Me: "yes, it's black but it's an Oreo cookie"
Max: "No, black cookie"
Me: "yes, but it's called an Oreo"
Max: (Holds up chocolate chip cookie) "What's that?"
Me: "Chocolate chip cookie"
Max: "No, brown"
Me: "It's a chocolate chip cookie that is brown yes"
Max (Holds up Oreo) "What's that?"
Me: "Oreo"
Max: "No, black"
Max: (Holding up cookies) "Black cookie.....brown cookie".

At this point he jumps/turns/runs away a la Spiderman.

Does this explain why I tend to ramble? Can you HEAR me?

Sporadic Thinking

This morning I got to thinking, which is pretty scarey considering how sporadic I am. My thoughts bounce all over the place like rubber balls run amok in a concrete room . (I have to say that I'm bad at prayer also as I'll start out good but suddenly find myself thinking of my shopping list, what I need to do, or if I'll have enough yarn for my next project. I used to worry about my ADD prayers but decided that God created me therefore he already knew that I would do this, thus no more guilt, just an "I'm sorry" and effort to get back on track.)

On with my thinking this morning while driving Max to school. I started thinking about Max's IEP meeting coming up, of which I heard about through Max's teacher. I have not heard from our pre-school coordinator regarding this, just that they called his teacher for the meeting and gave some dates but nobody has called me about my dates. Hmmmmmmmmm. This led me to thinking about the progress Max has made in the 17 mos. he's had his implant. How many words he has, what consonants he's making consistently and which ones he's not, what he's doing regarding sentence structure (words, adjectives, verbs, etc.), how he's come really FAR, but we still have such a long, long, way to go. Wow, that state cop car passed by really fast. Wonder what's going on......I bet that's Officer __________. He must have dropped the kids off and got a call. Or maybe he's rushing back home to ____________ (his wife). She probably doesn't go to work until 9 or so......both of their kids are in school........I wonder what it's like to have to have two hearing kids? o.k. if Max was a typical child, I'd probably have a job that I'd be going to everyday. Hmmmmmmm, I wonder if that would be a good thing or bad thing? Em still might not get to participate in a lot of extra-curricular activities cause I might be working and still get home too late to take her. I'd still have all the stuff at home to do like laundry, bills, cleaning, cooking.... I wonder if the money from my job would pay for the daycare that Max would obviously have to go to. Oh, he could go to the christian pre-school, I wonder how much it is to go there?........ Wow, the lake with the sunrise is really pretty. The water looks like a big mirror. I wish it wouldn't rain, I really wanted to go to the zoo this weekend. Em's field trip coming up is to the zoo. Hmmmmmm, maybe I should keep Max out of school that day and take him to the zoo. Ugh, I wonder if I can handle a bunch of second graders AND Max at the zoo. Plus we won't be able to wander and talk about things as well if we're with the field trip. Maybe we could walk around by ourselves? Hmmmm, that will probably hurt Em's feelings if we wander by ourselves. Plus, should I really keep him out of school to go to the zoo? Maybe he'd be better off going to school that day then the zoo. Maybe Trent can take off that day and go with us and I can be with Em and her class and he can walk around the zoo with Max,.... nah that isn't going to work. He HAS TO work, we really need money..... Whoa, there's another state cop. Hmmmmm, that's two today and I haven't seen any for at least a week. Wonder what's going on............we've really met a lot of great people on this CI journey. I have made some great new friends....and look how much I've learned.......... I really want to get Max in the booth and get his maps checked. There are all different kinds of things that can affect the maps, growth spurts (check), surgery (check), been 7 mos since we've had one (check). Hey, there's another state cop, what in the world.........I really need to get Em a warmer jacket before next week. It's really going to get cold next week, I wonder where I can get one fairly cheap but reasonable, I can't go look until tomorrow though, payday is tomorrow. I hope our school system doesn't try to give me grief about Max continuing at the oral/deaf school. I'm sure they won't, he's made A LOT of progress, but what if they think that's enough. No, it's not nearly enough....Hey cool, there's the McCain/Palin bus....I wonder if one of them (or both) of them are on that bus? That's why I've been seeing all the state cops this morning. They're trying to stay a certain distance around the bus for protection - escorting from afar. That's probably why.......Geez, Obama freaks me out.....where did all that money come from for his campaign recently? Especially since we're IN A RECESSION. That's a lot of money....who has that kind of money right now? and why are they giving him so much? That health care thing, that scares me too. What if they do socialize healthcare here? I hate to think of quotas on surgeries and procedures because of money. What if he's elected and they run out of money and won't pay anymore for Max's equipment needs? What if no second CI? No batteries, no mic covers, no coils or other stuff when the warranty runs out? Crap!!!!! What if they decide he's defective therefore the new healthcare system isn't going to take care of him and I don't have the money because the economy is whacked? OMG, what if they decide he isn't even worth it? Nah, they wouldn't do that. I don't know, it's well known that he allowed babies to die and didn't vote to keep them alive, he's also for killing innocent unborn children. Ooooh this is tooo much....Geez, 20 minutes til we get to the school. Uh oh, Max is asleep (weird, he never does this). He didn't eat much yesterday either.

Finally after all of that I turned on my CD player to STOP the sporadic thinking and just focus on nothing but musical notes. Except I need to remember to put more chapstick on Max. Can you HEAR me?

Disclaimer: Do NOT send me comments regarding your political views and why yours are right and mine might be wrong. You will be wasting your time and your energy on someone who doesn't particularly care who you are voting for and why. This is my blog and I am right on this blog. If you want to post your views then do so on your own blog.

MIA

Yeah, we've been missing in action this week. This week has been crazzzzyyyy on the merry-go-round. Our daddy's been gone a lot, Em had a nuerologist appt., I go get my mammies grammied tomorrow (OUCH), Max sees his ENT on Monday, I was reading Val's book. HOWEVER, we hit a new milestone this week. (I really wish I wasn't such a flake and could drive AND get this on video. SMILE) Max has been putting together 5 word sentences. He also had a very loooonnnnnng discussion with me yesterday afternoon (in the car on the way home) about Britney (school friend) falling down outside, but she didn't cry. He has also started arguing with me in the car. Nice huh? But this week, he really has pumped it up a bit. (Which is a good thing cause you know I hate plateau's and start worrying about what I have or haven't done that has caused it.)

Oh, and as for hearing in the car, well I've been a bit amazed at that too this week. In the Spiderman 2 movie the phone rings and the guy says "hello" (don't ask me who, cause I never see it since I'm battling the roadways) but today the phone rang and Max said "hello" before the guy did. AND THEN one of the Ninja Turtles (again movie) burps and Max said "excuse me" (the turtle however does not say this, obviously my son is concerned regarding their lack of manners). Hello? This kinda rocks when you think of all the excess noise in the car; the sound of the road under our tires at 75 mph, possible semi's next to us, occasional window going down and back up so I can get fresh air (this is because I left my window down and it kinda sprinkled rain in the car and now it stinks). I'm just completely blown away by my "deaf" kid. Can you HEAR me?

101 + 1 MORE

Yep, that's how many ways I can find to torture myself, make myself feel like crap AND add guilt cause honestly I can't think of any reasons I should feel guilt (NOT).

I told myself that I was not going to blog about this. BUT, after talking (ok whining) to a few friends (acquaintences) I have decided that I actually LIKE inflicting pain upon myself. In fact, I enjoy inflicting pain only on myself. So, in effort to continue the trend of making myself miserable, I am going to announce how mortified I am to be announcing a huge blunder I have made. I am however, looking at it like a public awareness announcement. Not only how NOT to be a "bad mommy", but how NOT to jump to conclusions that someone is specifically a "bad mommy."

O.k., here goes. All seemed well until this weekend when I noticed a little boy. There wasn't anything specific about this little boy, other than he was drinking out of a pop bottle. Gee, you all see that a million times a day, so why has that caused such an uproar in my life?

Well, you see, Max still drinks from this:



Well, it's like that, but not quite like that. AND not only that (noooooo sireeee cause that ain't enough) but he still has this as well:




See, when I saw that little boy drink from the pop bottle I realized that Max would never do that. THEN I realized that Max doesn't drink out of a cup. THENNNN I realized that Max is 3 mos. from turning 4! Holy Crap!!!! How did this happen? My daughter drank out of a cup at 6 mos. I know that Max has drank out of cup, I just can't remember if he's done so since we found out he was deaf. I THINK that that is one of the problems. Max was diagnosed at 17 mos., and I have spent all that time since then just trying to get him implanted, trying to get him to speak, driving millions of miles for school and appointments, dealing with Em's epilepsy, the bankruptcy and I JUST LOST TRACK OF TIME!!! Now he is my baby, and absolutely the last child I'll be having, but still drinking out of a sippy cup AND a paci when he's almost 4! Oye! So I'm feeling guilt. I'm feeling like crap. Honestly, I really, truly, just did not realize it. I've been blind, but now I can see, and I really need to remedy this. You can bet I'll be pushing the cup and letting the dog get the paci (she loves them too).

So I guess if you've made it through all of my rambling, if you see a child with a pacifier and/or a sippy cup, please don't berate the parent or the child. Please don't think in your mind, "Ugh, look at that child. He/She is WAY too old for that. That mother should be ashamed of herself." You DON'T know what they've been through, where they've been. It might be that the mother is so overwhelmed with "other" things that she doesn't even realize that the one calling her mommy is a "child" and no longer "her baby". She is so overwhelmed with getting other needs met that time and ages has skipped her mind and when it punches her in the gut, she probably is mortified, just as I am.

Max, my sweetie, I am so sorry that I have let you down this way. I promise I will try to remember that you are going to grow up and not be my sweet little baby forever and sometimes I'm going to have to push you out of the nest so you can fly, even though I really don't want to. Can you HEAR me?

No, not that......

I think when most of us hearing parents find out that are children have a hearing loss, besides appearing deaf ourselves, "What?", "What did you say?", we also suddenly become stupid, "What's that?, "What does that mean?", "What IS deaf?" I know that I did. I remember trying to breathe in/out and asking specifically, "What does that mean?" "How deaf is deaf?" Of course when they start explaining the audiogram and the results I was basically a bobble-head. I nodded my head in all the appropriate pauses and left still not knowing a thing other than my baby couldn't hear. As time went on, I learned a little bit more. I learned that the first ABR was read wrong (thanks to the audiologist at Riley's for that little snafu) and that Max did not have Moderate to Severe hearing loss but in fact had Severe Hearing Loss. I eventually learned how to read the audiogram and about the speech banana and how my son was never going to get all the sounds on that speech banana with hearing aids. So we moved on to the cochlear implant. But there is ONE thing I DID KNOW and the very thought scared me.

I know that when I found out, a lot of things went through my mind. I could almost picture myself in my brain walking down a long hallway (appropriately labeled "Deaf Hall") with doors lined up on both sides. The doors had little titles on the outside which kind of gave you a clue as to what's inside but didn't. I would open a door go in look around and feel it out. One door would be "Sign". I'd go in, explore in my mind signing and ASL, how our family could learn this, we could have our own secret language, how am I going to do this and drive, eat, wash dishes, ok. we can work this out. The next little door would be "Ridicule". I have to tell you that was a hard, cold room and I didn't like it. I tried like heck not to stay in there to long. But of course, being human and I guess a little sadistic in nature, I'd go in there again and again, like a rubbernecker at a car wreck. Don't want to see but dang, just can't help it and then when I'm done feeling raw, exposed and like crap. There were some other dark and scary doors in there,in my mind. But there was one door that scared me the most and still does. I can't even bring myself to actually put a "sign" on this door, I skirt as far away as possible from this door, but this door is different, it pops up in front of me, out of nowhere and looms begging me to come in and see what I can see. I know better than this, but yet it is there and it is real. I put that door out of my mind but this past week it jumped up in front of me again. I found this blog on "Deaf Village", http://deafness.about.com/b/2008/09/28/more-on-sexual-abuse-at-deaf-schools.htm Obviously, I saw it, read it, and it scared me so far down to my bones that I had to mull it over in my mind before I could blog about it. I think that THIS is one of the things that scares a hearing parent of a deaf child more than anything. I know it does me.

In my BC life (before children) I was a paralegal. I know that even hearing children are susceptible to these monsters that prey on children. I know how devastating it is for the child, the family. One of the reasons that I stopped being a paralegal when I was 8 mos. pregnant with my daughter is there was NO WAY I could work with someone who represented a child moslester/pedaphile. The stakes were too high in that little mental challenge. I didn't do well with it before I was pregnant and well, knowing that I was having a girl, that was it. Besides that I was sick of seeing the same people over and over, divorces gone wild and all the other stuff people do to one another. But a deaf child, this goes way beyond what I can comprehend.

When I found out Max was deaf, I did not know what it meant, what was going to happen, if he would have to go to the residential deaf school in our state, if he could go to our school and all these fears jumped out. The thought of sending my child to a residential school 2 1/2 hours a way at 5 years old literally made me want to break down right then and there. I was already attached to him, how could I possibly send him away to live for the week and only see him on weekends and holidays?????!!!!! I still can't bear that thought, that he might choose to go to the Deaf School at 16 or so. I don't want it and pray constantly that he stays with me. I can't even bear the thought of either of my children leaving for college and cried during the movie "College Road Trip". But the above blog is frigtening and not the first I had heard of this. Apparently it happens quite frequently and there is actually a book about it. I read it, because again I'm sick that way and obviously like to torture myself. I was miserable for months after reading it because I know that it is a very real threat to deaf kids. I also know that the threat just isn't at a residential deaf school, it's everywhere, just more prevalent at residential schools for the deaf.

This is just ONE of the horribly scary thoughts that goes through our minds when we find out our child is deaf. There are a WHOLE LOT OF OTHER scary doors we have to work through, BUT this is just one of the reasons we chose to have Max get an implant.
Can you HEAR me?